Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
