Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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