I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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