i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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