so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
