that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
