She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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