You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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