Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
