Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
