Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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