Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
