walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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