i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I want her autograph on my taint
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
