I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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