tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize