this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
