why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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