U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
