My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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