Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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