He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
