I want to walk on stilts...naked
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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