life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
