WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
