Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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