when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
