I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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