I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
