Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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