apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
