I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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