Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
