you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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