i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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