Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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