I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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