Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
