Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
