I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
