was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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