We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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