He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
