I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
