I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
