What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
