last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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