my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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