His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
