I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I don't deserve a penis
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
