my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
