new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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